Maybe I'm Amazed

Rules for Living by Tim W. Jackson (and why some people are just plain idiots)

Name:
Location: Radford, Virginia, United States

I'm a guy, just a regular guy, who likes to observe life and occasionally write about those observations. I live in southwest Virginia where I work, live, and try to be a decent citizen.

Sunday, May 6

All in the Family

I've been thinking a lot this week about family. I guess more specifically I've been thinking about loyalties that I cannot understand. These loyalties include various familial relationships such as parents to children, one sibling to another, and even one person to his or her significant other, whether that be a spouse, live-in partner, or some other similar relationship.

Maybe the biggest problem in this whole dynamic is my own. The next person who tells me that I lack a capacity of forgiveness won't be the first—and probably won't be the last. Yes, I know the line in the Lord's prayer that says, "And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive them that trespass against us." And yes I know the saying, "To err is human, but forgiveness is divine."

My problem lies with continued forgiveness despite a history of being treated badly by another person or a group of people. At what point do you say, "Enough is enough?" And maybe, just maybe, you can still forgive that person or people, but do you still have to continue to associate with them, allowing them treat you poorly in the process?

I think of two siblings I know. One decided several years ago to wash his hands of his family, who he felt had treated him poorly for many years. Just after he made the decision he told me it was for his own mental health. It was making him crazy, he said, to try to justify having a continued relationship with people who continued to cause him pain. His sister still tries to have a relationship to those same parents despite similar treatment. She seems to refuse to give up on some idealistic view that she could have a decent, normal family despite many years that would contradict the possibility of such an outcome. Which sibling is right and which is wrong? All I know is the one who moved away and gave up contact with his family is quite content with that decision and feels he is in better mental health because of that decision.

I was just reading about the book "If I Am Missing or Dead: A Sister's Story of Love, Murder, and Liberation." Long story short: One sister escaped years of abuse. One did not. One sister finally gave up on the notion of loyalty and forgiveness. The other sister is dead. Continuing to allow people to mistreat you CAN have dire consequences—physically and mentally. So we should always forgive those who trespass against us? I'm not the moral police, but it seems like a bad policy. Or at least, as I indicated, forgive if you must, but don't forget. And don't continue to allow yourself to be abused.

I am fortunate that my family has been very good to me. I'm probably in the minority of those who have never suffered abuse by the hands of family members, and my family has done a lot for me. I am grateful for that and love my family for that reason yet I still don't understand the "blood is thicker than water" mentality. If my mom hung up on me regularly (which I know someone whose mom used to do just that because it was an "inconvenient" time for the child to call the parent), it might happen twice, but I definitely wouldn't be calling back after that.

Yet people continue to feel some sense of loyalty or obligation to people who rarely did anything positive for them and worse yet failed to protect them from harm. And when they were harmed, the solution was to sweep the whole incident under the rug and pretend it didn't happen.

If your friends or others in you life treated you in a similar manner to the rotten way your family has treated you, you would most assuredly end that relationship. But just because it's family who is abusing you, or a partner of some sort, you feel that you have some sort of lifelong obligation to these people. The contract of family should go both ways, I believe. And if one side does not fulfill their end of the bargain, to treat you with respect, to not put you down, to assist you financially if possible and practical, and to protect you from harm, then I do not see any reason to continue in that relationship.

To err is human and forgiveness may be divine, but continuing in a relationship with someone who uses and abuses you just doesn't make sense.





0 Comments:

Post a Comment

<< Home